queer advice #86: abuse

"I don't understand how someone can be that aggressive and also claim to still want me..."

Hey everyone, I was just reading through submissions to queer advice and I knew I had to respond to this one ASAP. My response is a little rushed, but hopefully this will be helpful for the question-writer and anyone out there who might be going through something similar. This question-asker is specifically asking for support and insights from y’all, so if you have a minute, I would really appreciate if you left some kind words or helpful resources in the comments.

🚨 This column is about intimate partner violence, domestic abuse, and harassment. If that sounds rough for you, please take care of yourself and exit outta here!! 🚨 Read this queer advice instead. It’s about polyamory.

xoxo, Maddy

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Hey Maddy! About a year and a half ago I got dumped and wrote you about whether attempting to be friends with that ex was delusional or not, then worried somehow it'd get back to her that I was asking for that advice through acquaintances who maybe read your Substack and asked you to not answer my q after all (in retrospect: lol but also thanks for doing that).

There was A LOT I didn't know about this breakup when I wrote in--over the rest of 2023 my ex was immature sometimes but slowly acknowledged lies she'd been telling me about an emotional affair she'd been hiding at the time of leaving, fudging the timeline of when she considered us broken up, etc. Initially I stayed in contact for a smooth transition to take over our formerly shared lease/apt but with time I saw how she continued + actually began showing up for me as a friend, including by owning her shit re: our breakup because (her words) "if she kept me in the dark we couldn't ever hope for a close friendship again" and never trying to have sex or fake an interest in a romantic reconciliation like she did the day she dumped me. My anger/hurt subsided with time, the good parts of the friendship we'd had before ever dating reemerged, she was seeing someone, I was starting to date, and once all the apt key handoff stuff concluded we remained in contact over text and hung out IRL a handful of times-those meetings felt like closure I couldn't have given myself without having this person in front of me occasionally to realize I loved them differently now and as weird as it was sometimes,  those hangs were also fun and comforting -- I'm estranged from my extended family and the idea of being able to forgive and rebuild a different connection with someone that I'd considered like family even if they'd let me down when they were my partner felt right. Our meetups were always in public (like movies or grabbing food) and never flirty or even boozy in nature.

Last winter, one of the women I'd been on dates with (the only one I met IRL through mutual friends / not on an app) and I really hit it off, I'll call her V. V had gotten out of a 4 yr relationship/engagement just a few months before I had, she was different from my ex in pretty much every way I could think of, and I was really drawn to her! I felt shockingly not-uneasy (considering how we started dating 5 months after my last relationship) and like we could be good for each other, and I did not feel the urge or pressure from V's end to immediately ~become official~ which is the kind of thing that had happened with both my previous serious relationships--I wanted to fall slowly this time and I felt allowed to do that by someone who clearly was focused on doing things thoughtfully and that felt safe! I told my ex maybe by my 11th date with this woman that I was seeing someone kinda consistently and liked them (no other details bc tbh my dating life didn't feel like it was my ex's business! but I didn't want to hide someone that was shaping up to become significant in my life either). V wasn't in a rush to tell me or ask me for the full story of either of our respective horrible-break-ups-from-recently. I followed her lead there, but did disclose that I spoke to my ex still. V would make remarks about how because her ex-fiancee slept with someone else (a man) and acknowledged she kept the engagement because V made more money than her and she wanted to take advantage of her finances, she wasn't friends with her ex and didn't get why i'd want to be friends with mine--I tried bringing up that my ex helped me through my mothers death early in the pandemic and how romantic incompatibility/selfish blindside aside I didn't think my ex was a monster and I didn't want to lose her from my life entirely as we'd been friends for years before dating. V said she'd never tell me what to do but that she didn't want to know about anything relating to my ex or when we talked, and I tried to honor that as weird as I felt about it. V and I spent more and more time together (like, she began to sleep over 4-5xs a week) and while she respected my desire to not have another girlfriend before I hit even a year of being single, we were effectively exclusive--I wasn't talking to or sleeping with anyone else, didn't want to, and neither did she. I was surprised to be falling so hard but happy because I really admired her and felt we could build something good together on our own timeline. 

Last month after some traveling I came back to town and V and I had several back-to-back conflicts--she'd become suddenly intense and just as suddenly drop the subject and become affectionate again, sometimes without what felt like a resolution or a significant apology/discussion about why they happened. This ranged from a comment about how my dead mom who she never met would be ashamed of me (when I asked her if she wanted space because she was cranky she lost a sweater her very much alive sister had gifted her?) to out of the blue comments re: how she could never date a woman who was still attracted to men also (I am bisexual and have never hidden that from her since our first date) to snapping at me for staying out too long with a friend when I'd told her I was going to meet them for a single happy hour drink (because I needed to watch my spending after coming back from vacation) and then being asked if I was even actually broke when I wound up staying out for three drinks and not one.

Even though last month was rocky, during the big last argument we had she'd mentioned she recognized she had major trust issues and didn't want them to affect us because she really liked me, so she said she was going to look into going back into therapy. Earlier this month she asked me out ~for real~ and I said yes, though I had qualms I could've stood to bring up before doing that (namely: "are you really back in therapy yet?"). Two weeks in, the night before I had to travel for work for a week, she asked for more details about my friendship with my ex because I'd mentioned she had said she understood why my new gf was protective of me (which is true). Upon hearing what she finally asked for, V snapped--she asked to read my texts with this ex, I agreed to show them as I knew the friendship was above board, she took my phone from me and was yelling so loudly in my apartment that I had to beg her to lower her voice at which point she said "someone should go to jail about this", which is when I tried to grab my phone back in case I needed to call for help and she spit in my face. Eventually I got my phone back by agreeing to send my ex a text she dictated to me about how our friendship was self-serving bullshit and how I never wanted to hear from her again, after which I had to block her. V refused to leave my apartment that night and the next morning I had to fly out for this gig, leaving her with my house keys--she seemed kinder seeing me off in the morning (like giving me a hug goodbye, though never an apology for what she did?) and I tried to calm myself down even though it made me uneasy to know she has access to everything I own for the next seven days while I was out of town. As soon as I got on my flight she started texting me the most unimaginably mean things--that she was sure this week on my work trip I'd be putting my face on someone's crotch to "cope" with being such a manipulative liar and cheat, that I was disgusting, that if our friends knew I'd been maintaining a friendship with my ex where we hung out in person they'd think I was gross (they did know and did not in fact think so), that I didn't deserve anything--this went on for the whole weekend and nothing I could say or even agree with would assuage her. Ignoring her also didn't work because she'd reappear to pick on me for not putting in effort when she was trying to give me another chance. It was her texting me hourly no matter what for 72 hours, till Monday when first she told me "if something happens to me it'll be your fault" and later that she was going to email my boss to have me fired, and that she was going to keep my house keys until I paid her back every cent she'd ever spent on me. When that happened I called our mutual friends we met through to see if they knew her family's contact info and they didn't but they managed to talk her into leaving me alone, and convinced me to stop answering her / pay to get my locks changed back home so I wouldn't stress all week about my belongings. 

I came back to town a few days ago on a redeye and within five hours of being home she'd pulled up to my place unannounced for her stuff (with friends in tow!) and when I said I wanted to arrange for this to happen somewhere public a different day or mail it she didn't listen---her and her bestie spent a half hour knocking outside my door when they knew I was home alone, texting her that she could definitely get her things but that I was afraid and wanted to either mail / uber them to her since the last time we'd texted a week ago she'd been threatening me. I heard her outside my door debating whether to use her key, until I texted to let her know that'd be useless because I'd had to get a loan from a friend to change my locks. Eventually our mutual friend we met through had to come get the things she wanted, because the most she was willing to do was wait in the lobby of my building for them. It was mortifying, and by the time he had handed her the stuff she wanted (including gifts she'd gotten me!), she apparently was in tears telling him she didn't actually want her stuff back, and ever since then she's been texting me that she realizes she's been cruel and demeaning and that the punishment didn't fit the crime, that she'd overreacted and actually knew I wasn't cheating on her with me ex and wanted to see if I'd be willing to give us another shot and go to therapy together.

I'm really sad because I miss V, I miss what we had before things got this bad, and I don't understand how someone can be that aggressive and also claim to still want me. I recognize thanks to multiple friends and my therapist that she was verbally abusive, and being back at my house / still employed / her having her things back has empowered me to finally say so to her face and demand a real apology. I don't know how I'll feel when I get it, if I even do -- I don't think I would want her back, but I'm curious if there's anyone out there who has had a similar experience of a partners abrupt cruelty and found it to be a one-off (can controlling people change?). I'm curious if being friends with an ex is truly THAT contentious generally because I'd like to never be in this situation again and I want to apologize to my ex who I blindsided with a goodbye text I was coerced into writing and hopefully undo the damage done there. Lastly but most importantly: I'm curious what advice you have on moving past this because it's been harrowing and I don't want it to define me--what I went through the breakup before last pales in comparison to this brief relationship and aside from "assert yourself better" and "be SO strict about leaving if you see a red flag" I don't know what lessons I'm supposed to take from it.

Can't pick 'em, 35

Holy shit!! I’m so relieved you ended this relationship, changed your locks, and are clocking this individual’s words and actions for what they are: abuse. I don’t remember your original question but I wanted to fasttrack this one and pound out a response because I’m really worried that you’re blaming yourself for what happened and I want you to know that the way your abuser treated you was not okay, you didn’t deserve it, and moving forward, there’s no safe way for you to have this person in your life. I’m a little concerned that your therapist didn’t explain that the cycle of abuse usually includes a honeymoon phase— a period when your abuser is apologizing, begging you to come back, and promising to change after a big eruption of controlling, violent behavior. This is meant to confuse you and make you doubt yourself, so they can repeat the cycle and escalate the abuse.

I also want to point out that the following actions are textbook intimate partner violence: threatening your financial livelihood, surveilling your phone, threatening to expose you to others, isolating you from a close friend, threatening to destroy your belongings, ricocheting between anger and affection, threatening self-harm in order to manipulate you, and *choosing* to buy you gifts and leave her possessions at your house in order to control you and gain access to your home. And speaking of things your abuser chose to do, she instigated a fight right before you left for a trip. She wanted to sabotage a professionally and personally important week for you, and punish you for leaving and having a life outside of her. Also, this was not a one-off or a situation where someone lashed out or said something mean out of anger. These were deliberate actions, sustained for several days, from someone who believes she has the right to terrorize and hurt you.

So when you ask a question like, is it normally this contentious to be friends with an ex? I would say that that’s not the question here because normal relationship dynamics or reactions don’t map onto intimate partner violence. You cannot shrink yourself or your world enough to appease an abusive person. Even if you weren’t friends with your ex, your abuser would have found something else to fly off the rails about. For the record, it is queer culture to stay friends with exes and this can totally bring up jealousy and weird feelings from everyone involved. But in a healthy relationship, your girlfriend would be like, “Hey, I’m really upset that you’re still so close with your ex. My last partner cheated on me, so this is bringing up a lot for me.“ And you would be like, “My ex and are just friends and our friendship is important to me. What would make you feel more secure? What if you met my ex? I really want us to trust each other.“ I know that sounds like a conversation between robots, but my point is that in a healthy relationship, you communicate through differences and conflict. Even when emotions are heightened and you’re not agreeing on anything, nobody is debasing you, making threats, SPITTING ON YOU, etc. Your partner is not taking out their anger and insecurities out on you, or forcing you to do things against your will.

You write that you’re not sure how to move on and holy shit, of course you’re feeling confused and lost!! What you’re describing is profound trauma and only happened a month ago. After a period of trauma, your brain tries to feel safe and in-control again—usually through doubting, minimizing what happened, and/or blaming yourself. You also have to remember that this was someone you really trusted and she worked really, really hard to destroy your sense-of-self and bring you into her own warped, fucked up reality. It’s really difficult, if not impossible, to assert yourself when someone is sending you hourly texts telling you that you’re worthless and all your friends think you’re a big whore. It’s hard to notice a red flag when your partner makes you feel like their actions are your fault or that their pain is the most complicated, important pain in all existence and behaves so outlandishly that start to doubt your own reality. What you need to do is keep talking and writing about your experiences. Keep going to therapy. Maintain your social ties and friendships. Depending on where you live, there are probably domestic abuse support groups or resources for you. If you want to reconnect with your ex and explain what’s been going with you, you should. You gotta read In the Dream House by Carmen Maria Machado—sadly, this is the only book I know of that’s specifically about intimate partner violence in a lesbian relationship. I also recommend Why Does He Do That?: Inside the Minds of Angry and Controlling Men which is geared towards women in relationships with men, but is full of information on how abusers operate and why it’s so hard to leave and move on from abuse. There’s a chapter on financial abuse that might really resonate with your experiences.

Anyways, all that to say that it’s amazing that you were able to get yourself to safety while also holding down a job and other adult responsibilities. Your abuser really went above and beyond showing you who she is and what she thinks is acceptable way to treat another person, lest of all someone she claims to care about, and you need to hold onto the fact her actions were super fucked-up and not your fault.

I’m opening comments to everyone because queer advice readers always come through with extremely helpful insights, resources, and words of support. Also, domestic violence and intimate partner violence in queer relationships just isn’t talked about enough. Abusive lesbians, especially, are able to hide behind so many different factors, including gender roles and this stereotype that lesbians are pure and feminists and incapable of harm. There’s a lot to talk about and I hope this was helpful for you as you move forward with your life <3