Sending you so much compassion, Letter Writer. Like other commenters, this story reminded me painfully of my own experiences with an abusive girlfriend. I wanted to second (third?) Maddy's recommendation for In The Dream House, which I've reread multiple times because it's just so validating and clarifying and beautiful.
Sending you so much compassion, Letter Writer. Like other commenters, this story reminded me painfully of my own experiences with an abusive girlfriend. I wanted to second (third?) Maddy's recommendation for In The Dream House, which I've reread multiple times because it's just so validating and clarifying and beautiful.
I also wanted to add another resource that helped me a lot, which is the 2018 "Bi Bi Bi" episode of the Call Your Girlfriend podcast. I first listened to it at least a decade after getting out of that first abusive relationship, and had by that point done a lot of reading about abuse in queer relationships, gone to DV support groups, considered myself fairly well-educated about the dynamics of abuse... but it still was an absolute revelation to me to learn that bi-identifying people disproportionately experience abuse (as a direct result of being a marginalized group within the queer community). When you can sense, on either a conscious or subconscious level, that your acceptance in both the het and gay communities is a little more conditional than for those who are only attracted to one gender, it's easy to internalize that you have more to prove --that you have to put up with a little bit more than you would otherwise-- to be deserving of love. At its worst, the mistrust for bi folks can be weaponized by abusive/manipulative partners, as it was by your ex, V. My first girlfriend, the one who V reminded me of, bragged all the time about being a "gold star" lesbian, would talk endlessly about how disgusting it was to be attracted to men, and would go into vicious, graphic rants about how I was probably going to cheat on her any time I wanted to spend time with male friends. It got very isolating and scary by the end. Even though I was with her for less than a year, it was a very intense time (she moved in with me soon after we started dating), and it took me years to fully heal.
More than anything, I want to say how proud I am of you for recognizing that this was not safe or loving behavior that V was displaying; for reaching out to your support network for help; and for sticking to your boundaries even in the face of bullying from your ex and her friends. I hope you really take time to appreciate how much courage and competency you have displayed to get yourself through this hard, scary time. I wish you so many better, happier things going forward.
Thank you for pointing out the biphobia and how vulnerable bis are to abuse! I am bi, and this is something I contemplate often. My anchor partner is bi and we both have histories of abusive partners in relationships with folks of various genders. The situation the LW deceived reminded of my experiences with a cis male partner and a queer enby partner, in different aspects. Only a year later is it dawning on me that the enby partner was controlling specifically when it came to my relationships with cis men, and that this was rooted in biphobia. I also think that because queers in general have been through so much trauma, we often want to remain more open to folks who are behaving badly because we know that trauma can make people act out, without them being bad people. This can be weaponized against us by manipulative people. I admire so much how the LW seems to have gotten to a healthier place with their other ex, despite some harmful stuff going down in that relationship. The most recent ex is NOT doing any of the things that the previous ex did that made reconciliation possible.
Sending you so much compassion, Letter Writer. Like other commenters, this story reminded me painfully of my own experiences with an abusive girlfriend. I wanted to second (third?) Maddy's recommendation for In The Dream House, which I've reread multiple times because it's just so validating and clarifying and beautiful.
I also wanted to add another resource that helped me a lot, which is the 2018 "Bi Bi Bi" episode of the Call Your Girlfriend podcast. I first listened to it at least a decade after getting out of that first abusive relationship, and had by that point done a lot of reading about abuse in queer relationships, gone to DV support groups, considered myself fairly well-educated about the dynamics of abuse... but it still was an absolute revelation to me to learn that bi-identifying people disproportionately experience abuse (as a direct result of being a marginalized group within the queer community). When you can sense, on either a conscious or subconscious level, that your acceptance in both the het and gay communities is a little more conditional than for those who are only attracted to one gender, it's easy to internalize that you have more to prove --that you have to put up with a little bit more than you would otherwise-- to be deserving of love. At its worst, the mistrust for bi folks can be weaponized by abusive/manipulative partners, as it was by your ex, V. My first girlfriend, the one who V reminded me of, bragged all the time about being a "gold star" lesbian, would talk endlessly about how disgusting it was to be attracted to men, and would go into vicious, graphic rants about how I was probably going to cheat on her any time I wanted to spend time with male friends. It got very isolating and scary by the end. Even though I was with her for less than a year, it was a very intense time (she moved in with me soon after we started dating), and it took me years to fully heal.
More than anything, I want to say how proud I am of you for recognizing that this was not safe or loving behavior that V was displaying; for reaching out to your support network for help; and for sticking to your boundaries even in the face of bullying from your ex and her friends. I hope you really take time to appreciate how much courage and competency you have displayed to get yourself through this hard, scary time. I wish you so many better, happier things going forward.
Thank you for pointing out the biphobia and how vulnerable bis are to abuse! I am bi, and this is something I contemplate often. My anchor partner is bi and we both have histories of abusive partners in relationships with folks of various genders. The situation the LW deceived reminded of my experiences with a cis male partner and a queer enby partner, in different aspects. Only a year later is it dawning on me that the enby partner was controlling specifically when it came to my relationships with cis men, and that this was rooted in biphobia. I also think that because queers in general have been through so much trauma, we often want to remain more open to folks who are behaving badly because we know that trauma can make people act out, without them being bad people. This can be weaponized against us by manipulative people. I admire so much how the LW seems to have gotten to a healthier place with their other ex, despite some harmful stuff going down in that relationship. The most recent ex is NOT doing any of the things that the previous ex did that made reconciliation possible.