Anyone could be “wrong” in this scenario but I don’t think litigating that is the point. In the first year of a relationship, ideally you find out a lot of things about the person you’re dating—you go from connecting mostly 1:1 to seeing them in the context of their friendships and seeing how they handle conflict, and your observations help you determine if this is a relationship you want to further invest in or if it may make sense to limit enmeshment or separate/deescalate—and that’s why I think it’s important to take things slow at this still very early stage. 9 months is a drop in the bucket, ultimately, and maybe the most important thing isn’t doubling down because you care about someone, but looking within and asking yourself, “is this actually a dynamic I am ok navigating, potentially for a long time?” If your partner’s best friend is their ex, that person is going to be a big part of your life as long as you’re together, whether the best friendship continues or not. You can either accept that without resentment (which also involves discussing things and making compromises on both sides) or accept that there’s a major incompatibility and move on…but making your partner choose won’t go well.
LW and their partner have been together for what, nine months? And LW has implemented major changes in their partner’s relationship (platonic) of 4+ years? I’d never do that for someone I knew for less than a calendar year. Like, yes, I would acknowledge boundaries and be like, “maybe I shouldn’t do stereotypically romantic things (physical affection, pet names) with my ex-bff if it makes my current romantic partner uncomfortable,” but restricting communication in other ways? Nooo. You may be their romantic paramour of the moment, OP, but you don’t know your partner like that!! Even if you had a decade-long history together, it’s not okay to do this.
Stereotypical dyke ask: who’s all going to therapy here, both individually and as couples? I’m sensing a big lack of processing our feelings in productive ways, and I’m actually sensing something that I wish (Maddy plz talk about this sometime!!) more people would talk about: the weaponization of Hard Conversations. I hope I haven’t just had a weird experience that no one on earth can relate to, but sometimes, people use Hard Conversations as a day-derailer, a cudgel, an emotional and psychological punishment for behavior they dislike. I’m getting that vibe here.
This feels a bit heavy on the LW. Personally, if my partner were straight up cosplaying being in a relationship with their ex, I wouldn’t be thrilled either unless it was an explicitly open/poly relationship where engaging with the ex that way was clear from the jump. Trust has to be built over time and by repeated and reassuring behaviors. It looks like the partner is trying to do some of that, but it clearly weighs on them to not be able to basically date their ex and the LW, based on their behaviors. They can’t manage to maintain a friendship with the ex without calling her baby and acting like lovers?? What kind of a friendship is that, then, if it falls flat once the heavy romance is taken out of the equation? Maybe the partner isn’t actually over this relationship and needs to build more of their own identity outside of it—make new friends, develop better boundaries, and get themselves ready to actually be in a relationship with a new person who they can prioritize, not someone to play second fiddle to their (literally taken) ex.
This is a really interesting situation, I can definitely see both sides here.
On the one hand, LW is sending mixed signals. I think they’re having a tough time with their meta-feelings and wishing they were more chill with this situation, which makes them act erratically because they’re not being fully authentic.
However, sometimes it takes an outsider to point out how fucking weird a relationship is. I’m curious if the partner agrees, looking back, that their relationship with the ex is weird? Or are they just performing for the sake of the LW?
It sounds to me like we have 2 people pleasers who are now busy walking on eggshells. I’d take this one to couples therapy if you can afford it, since the last thing you need is to spend your energy trying not to bother each other. Break through the weird people-pleazey mask and get to the bottom of it!
Anyone could be “wrong” in this scenario but I don’t think litigating that is the point. In the first year of a relationship, ideally you find out a lot of things about the person you’re dating—you go from connecting mostly 1:1 to seeing them in the context of their friendships and seeing how they handle conflict, and your observations help you determine if this is a relationship you want to further invest in or if it may make sense to limit enmeshment or separate/deescalate—and that’s why I think it’s important to take things slow at this still very early stage. 9 months is a drop in the bucket, ultimately, and maybe the most important thing isn’t doubling down because you care about someone, but looking within and asking yourself, “is this actually a dynamic I am ok navigating, potentially for a long time?” If your partner’s best friend is their ex, that person is going to be a big part of your life as long as you’re together, whether the best friendship continues or not. You can either accept that without resentment (which also involves discussing things and making compromises on both sides) or accept that there’s a major incompatibility and move on…but making your partner choose won’t go well.
just popping in to say that I like this response so much more than mine!
“Wait, do you trust your partner?” THANK you!!
LW and their partner have been together for what, nine months? And LW has implemented major changes in their partner’s relationship (platonic) of 4+ years? I’d never do that for someone I knew for less than a calendar year. Like, yes, I would acknowledge boundaries and be like, “maybe I shouldn’t do stereotypically romantic things (physical affection, pet names) with my ex-bff if it makes my current romantic partner uncomfortable,” but restricting communication in other ways? Nooo. You may be their romantic paramour of the moment, OP, but you don’t know your partner like that!! Even if you had a decade-long history together, it’s not okay to do this.
Stereotypical dyke ask: who’s all going to therapy here, both individually and as couples? I’m sensing a big lack of processing our feelings in productive ways, and I’m actually sensing something that I wish (Maddy plz talk about this sometime!!) more people would talk about: the weaponization of Hard Conversations. I hope I haven’t just had a weird experience that no one on earth can relate to, but sometimes, people use Hard Conversations as a day-derailer, a cudgel, an emotional and psychological punishment for behavior they dislike. I’m getting that vibe here.
Phew, happy holidays indeed!
Not weird, actually extremely relatable! I would love to see more conversation about the weaponization of Hard Conversations.
This feels a bit heavy on the LW. Personally, if my partner were straight up cosplaying being in a relationship with their ex, I wouldn’t be thrilled either unless it was an explicitly open/poly relationship where engaging with the ex that way was clear from the jump. Trust has to be built over time and by repeated and reassuring behaviors. It looks like the partner is trying to do some of that, but it clearly weighs on them to not be able to basically date their ex and the LW, based on their behaviors. They can’t manage to maintain a friendship with the ex without calling her baby and acting like lovers?? What kind of a friendship is that, then, if it falls flat once the heavy romance is taken out of the equation? Maybe the partner isn’t actually over this relationship and needs to build more of their own identity outside of it—make new friends, develop better boundaries, and get themselves ready to actually be in a relationship with a new person who they can prioritize, not someone to play second fiddle to their (literally taken) ex.
This is a really interesting situation, I can definitely see both sides here.
On the one hand, LW is sending mixed signals. I think they’re having a tough time with their meta-feelings and wishing they were more chill with this situation, which makes them act erratically because they’re not being fully authentic.
However, sometimes it takes an outsider to point out how fucking weird a relationship is. I’m curious if the partner agrees, looking back, that their relationship with the ex is weird? Or are they just performing for the sake of the LW?
It sounds to me like we have 2 people pleasers who are now busy walking on eggshells. I’d take this one to couples therapy if you can afford it, since the last thing you need is to spend your energy trying not to bother each other. Break through the weird people-pleazey mask and get to the bottom of it!