queer advice #94: I met the ex
"she is a corporate influencer awards winning machine and I am an anti-capitalist public sector worker..."
Hi! I’m back with the final queer advice column of 2024. This was a really good year for queer advice and this newsletter writ large, and I’ll send out a 2024 in review at the end of the month. In the meantime, I’m preparing to digitally detox for the next week. I logged out of Twitter for what is probably the last time ever, deleted TikTok off my phone, and am trying to check my email a casual 4 times a day. HAHAHAHA! Can I do it? I need rest.
This one is about a partner who is really good friends with their ex (like really good friends) and it’s driving the letter writer nuts.
If you have a question for queer advice, send it to me here. It’s anonymous! It’s free! I’m generally looking for questions that I haven’t answered before and describe a whole situation. Would love to send you a last-minute holiday Choose Your Own Dykeventure zine, as always.
xoxo, Maddy
Hi Maddy, My partner and I have been together for 9 months. We have a warm, loving relationship and when conflicts arise, the way we have spoken through our issues has genuinely brought us closer together.
We have been, however, finding it difficult to come to a resolution about one particular matter, and that is my partner being best friends with their ex. For some context it was a 4 year relationship, living together, future plans etc and after The Ex cheated, they spent a year in therapy and broke up/ got back together before breaking up. They've been living in different countries for three years now but maintained a very close friendship in which they called almost every day. She is in a relationship with a man (which I'll explain is noteworthy later on) and is newly engaged. When we first met I was aware of their friendship, and while I thought it was strange that they called every single day, I felt secure from how my partner would talk about their lack of romantic feelings. I did however stalk her Instagram and felt we were very different people (she is a literal corporate influencer awards winning machine and I am an anti-capitalist public sector worker, as cringy as that feels to write lol). My partner however convinced me that we would get on even though despite this.
Two months into our relationship I met the ex. It went terribly. To my actual horror my partner was openly affectionate with this person, using pet names and acting cute in front of me. I also felt the ex was patronising and was even giving me advice on how I should be with my partner. I was genuinely shocked/hurt and also really pissed off. We talked about it a lot after, and my partner totally understood how I felt and their explanation was that this was the way that they were used to interacting and and wanted to show me that I had nothing to worry about. They were really regretful and sorry about it. They promised to implement changes to their friendship such as not using names such as baby to address each other and not being as physically affectionate.
I did and still genuinely believe that there are no romantic feelings left. However I can't help but feel threatened by the past relationship and the way that they acted in front of me has made a hard to overcome that feeling. I also can't help but feel that the only reason the ex's partner does not care about their close friendship is because he doesn't feel threatened by queer relationships. My partner totally empathises with how I feel but also feels really stuck because they don't want to lose their best friend. Recently they have been feeling that their friendship has changed for many reasons including the fact that they feel like they are doing something wrong when they're talking to her. They are barely talking properly atm. Also due to the changes in their dynamic (which I have asked for and which they agreed needed to happen) their friendship feels a bit like walking on eggshells due to the hypervigilance. They have been upset to the point of tears about losing their best friend and feel like they have to choose between us. If it ever came to that, they said that they would of course choose our relationship no question.
I hate to see my partner so upset and I would never want to stop them from having close and intimate friendships. But it's really difficult for me to deal with this friendship. Even when she's mentioned in passing I freeze up and we have many difficult conversations. It doesn't help that I didn't really like her and I feel like we are totally different people. Sometimes our differences have made me question why my partner would even want to be with someone like that, but I'm trying to trust that my partner says that she is more genuine beneath it all.
Recently I have encouraged my partner to go see her and while at the time I felt good to give this to my partner, it hasn't changed the annoyance I feel about her. My question from this long-winded story is how can we resolve this issue without my partner having to lose their best friend and without me having to be feeling shit about it?
P.S. I've never stayed in touch with any of my exes as I've always felt that things are better left in the past. Maybe there is a part of me that doesn't believe that you can ever really go back to the friendship after a relationship like this. Despite being that way I do fully trust my love and I would hate to be the reason for them to feel more lonely in this world. Plz help.
Anti-capitalist Public Sector Worker, 30
Wait, do you trust your partner? It sounds like you want to trust them and identify as someone who’s chill and not jealous, which is not the same thing as actually being chill and not jealous. And look, I agree—the dynamic you observed between your partner and their ex when you met in-person was both confusing and weird. I would also feel strange if I was 2 months into a new relationship and I witnessed touchiness and the word “baby” between my partner and their ex. But from everything you’ve written, your partner was and is fully responsive to your concerns and is implementing the boundaries you put forth. They agree that there’s a lingering enmeshment or emotional chaos within their friendship that needs to change, and are working on it (you don’t say how the ex reacted to these boundaries and I’m wondering if their response might be further upsetting your partner??) You, on the other hand, are sending mixed signals e.g. getting upset and launching into difficult conversations whenever they mention this person, but also telling them to go visit. Both of which are putting yourself in control of this friendship and making a decision on behalf of your partner, which are not commiserate with your values and the kind of partner you want to be. So stop!!
A big part of entering into a serious relationship is that a lot of new people come into your life via your new partner’s friends, family, and social network. The majority of these people will be wonderful, but some might totally suck. You may find yourself questioning with the fresh perspective of an outsider why your sweet, kindhearted partner would give their lying, cheatin’ ex the time of day let alone PLAN HER BIRTHDAY PARTY [lesbian dramatization, there’s nothing about a birthday party in this question]. The best thing to do in a situation where you’re dwelling and spiraling about another person is to take a deep breathe and ask yourself: is this person BAD or are they just annoying? A few examples of BAD, as it pertains to your situation: you’re dating someone in recovery and her friends push her to drink OR your partner has a dysfunctional family who make them feel like total shit every chance they get. In other words, your partner is in a relationship that’s abusive or negatively impacts their well-being. Annoying is just like, this person talks about themselves nonstop, doesn’t recycle, or is just kinda oblivious and rude and not good enough for your partner. I’m friends with multiple couples where the consensus within our larger friend group is that one person is angelic and without flaw, while the other person is annoying as hell (wish I could say this was just a heterosexual phenomenon, but alas). Things can get tricky when there’s an expectation that you’ll all be friends and hang out together, but it doesn’t sound like that’s the situation here. This isn’t someone you have to see regularly, if at all.
There’s a current in this question where you’re judging your partner for dating someone so corporate and annoying. But at the end of the day, if your partner says their ex-turned-bff is actually great, that’s their truth based on knowing this person for a lot longer that you have (you gotta remember that everyone’s personality is multi-faceted, a lot of people are insecure and constantly performing in social situations/around new people and it can be difficult to get a read on what they’re actually like one-on-one). And if your read is that this person is an unlikable capitalist who cheats, that’s your truth. You’re also right!! There’s a reason your partner is no longer dating them. Ultimately, you and your partner are different people and you’re not always going to agree on everything, but what’s not sustainable is this kind of tortured half-trusting, half-suspicious attitude that you’re projecting on your partner.
This holiday season give the gift that keeps on giving emailing, a gift subscriptions to TV Dinner.
Anyone could be “wrong” in this scenario but I don’t think litigating that is the point. In the first year of a relationship, ideally you find out a lot of things about the person you’re dating—you go from connecting mostly 1:1 to seeing them in the context of their friendships and seeing how they handle conflict, and your observations help you determine if this is a relationship you want to further invest in or if it may make sense to limit enmeshment or separate/deescalate—and that’s why I think it’s important to take things slow at this still very early stage. 9 months is a drop in the bucket, ultimately, and maybe the most important thing isn’t doubling down because you care about someone, but looking within and asking yourself, “is this actually a dynamic I am ok navigating, potentially for a long time?” If your partner’s best friend is their ex, that person is going to be a big part of your life as long as you’re together, whether the best friendship continues or not. You can either accept that without resentment (which also involves discussing things and making compromises on both sides) or accept that there’s a major incompatibility and move on…but making your partner choose won’t go well.
“Wait, do you trust your partner?” THANK you!!
LW and their partner have been together for what, nine months? And LW has implemented major changes in their partner’s relationship (platonic) of 4+ years? I’d never do that for someone I knew for less than a calendar year. Like, yes, I would acknowledge boundaries and be like, “maybe I shouldn’t do stereotypically romantic things (physical affection, pet names) with my ex-bff if it makes my current romantic partner uncomfortable,” but restricting communication in other ways? Nooo. You may be their romantic paramour of the moment, OP, but you don’t know your partner like that!! Even if you had a decade-long history together, it’s not okay to do this.
Stereotypical dyke ask: who’s all going to therapy here, both individually and as couples? I’m sensing a big lack of processing our feelings in productive ways, and I’m actually sensing something that I wish (Maddy plz talk about this sometime!!) more people would talk about: the weaponization of Hard Conversations. I hope I haven’t just had a weird experience that no one on earth can relate to, but sometimes, people use Hard Conversations as a day-derailer, a cudgel, an emotional and psychological punishment for behavior they dislike. I’m getting that vibe here.
Phew, happy holidays indeed!