queer advice #95: the life I want
"I have a stable job and good friends. I push myself to try new things. I make art consistently. I am on meds and in therapy. And yet I feel like I’m not living the life I want."
Salut, bitches. Welcome to the first queer advice of 2025. A substantial chunk of people found and subscribed to this newsletter while I was on vacation last month. If that’s you, hi! I’m so happy you’re here. And if you’re a longstanding reader, my gratitude is infinite. Today we’re talking about the difference between depression--the serious kind you treat with medication and therapy--and feeling dissatisfied, like there’s something missing in your life. Also, how to know when to break up with someone. You know, the big questions. If you have a question for queer advice, send it to me now :)
Also this goes without saying, but I’m keeping everyone affected by the L.A. wildfires in my thoughts this week and always. If you need help or are wondering where to send money, here’s a spreadsheet of organizations and businesses that are on the ground, helping out people and animals right now.
xoxo, Maddy
P.S. Sorry for “salut bitches.“ I thought it was funny last night and now I’m not so sure.
Hi Maddy! I’ve been a relationship with the same person for most of my 20s. I was head over heels for the first 2 years and have healed so much through this loving healthy relationship. The last few years have been rough for me and my sense of self. I applied to grad school (a dream of many years), got in great places and decided not to go due to chronic health issues and fear. I have been trying to go on with my life since and have been dealing with pretty bad depression even with meds and therapy.
Anyway! While I’ve been doing this soul searching, I’ve been pretty regularly questioning whether I want to break up with my partner. They are truly incredible, consistently patient and there for me. They support me and encourage me always. I truly could not think of a better partner.
That said, I feel like we are best in supporting each other but when it comes to hanging out and having fun it’s just like…crickets. I’m like bored out of my mind sometimes. I deeply love my partner but am feeling so trapped in my life sometimes that I wonder if at least the breakup would initiate some transformation and change which I’ve been desperately wanting for years now.
My partner is incredible. I have a stable job and good friends. I push myself to try new things. I make art consistently. I am on meds and in therapy. And yet I feel like I’m not living the life I want.
K, 28
Okay so you’re 28 and trying to decide between stability and change. Hello, Saturn Return!! Or if you’re not into astrology, the Big Late 20s Life Shakeup that finds us all. Right now you’re aspiring to a different life, but you’re not sure what that looks like yet. You applied to grad school and it wasn’t workable, at least this year. Now you’re wondering if your relationship is the thing to go. There’s a classic nugget of relationship advice that states that if you’re thinking about breaking up with someone, that’s a sign you should break up with them. I tend to agree with this, especially when it comes to new and new-ish relationships (not applicable to your situation, I know). The truth is that you can love and appreciate someone and still not want to be in a relationship with them. As difficult as breaking up can be for both parties, almost no one looks back on a relationship that’s over and thinks, “Gee, I wish that had gone on for longer” (and if you are looking back on a past relationship and wishing it hadn’t ended, you’re probably still grieving and waiting for your ~*girl who is going to be okay*~ moment.) Here on queer advice, we talk a lot about dyke scarcity and the realities of entering into serious relationships in your early to mid 20s. So lots going on!! These things are always so complicated.