queer advice #89: the brink

"I've felt like our relationship is really and seriously fizzling and to be honest I'm not entirely sure why."

Hi everyone, I’m back with a new queer advice column for you. Today’s question is from someone wondering if they should break up with their passive partner. If you read this newsletter, you can probably guess what I’m gonna advise lol.

In other news, I did an interview on my friend Krista’s very funny, very femme newsletter,

O Caftan My Caftan

. We talked about writing and my recent foray into homeownership. Read it here. If you found me via Krista, welcome :) Feel free to explore my entire back catalog of advice columns, TV recaps, and diary entries where I discuss my life as a gay person who moves every 12 months.

If you have a question for this column, send it to me anytime. xoxo, Maddy

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hi maddy! hope you're really well. i'm an avid reader of TV Dinner, and actually had a question printed in your book many moons ago.

I'm writing from what I fear is the brink of a break up. I've been with my partner for more than five years. we met in college, dating through the pandemic and lots of other trying circumstances. until recently, when i moved across the country for work, we were living together. for the most part, I have really enjoyed being with them: they're smart, funny, caring, and i love talking to them. we had just the best couple of years living together postgrad, so much fun and so much happiness. in the six months since i've moved, I've felt like our relationship is really and seriously fizzling and to be honest I'm not entirely sure why. i've made the long schlep back to see them and our friends at our old apartment (where my partner still lives) several times; in the beginning of the period of distance, we were good about calling and texting. more recently it's felt like things are petering out and neither of us are really intervening. i can feel the distance growing and am in equal, alternating parts heartbroken and apathetic.

on one level, it feels like the problem really just is the distance. i'm sure this is in part rose-colored, but we were so happy before, when we were living together - never fighting, infrequently disagreeing, and generally warm and fuzzy and fun. but there are other things, too; my partner is not good at making things happen; they hate their job and though they could physically/financially/feasibly leave, they haven't so much as looked at other jobs. (also they are supposed to be looking at jobs in my new state but haven't done so at all.) and though i haven't really minded, I am and have been the architect of our lives together - have found all of the places we've lived, handled all of those life maintenance things (most of our groceries, all of our utilities set up, etc), and, most importantly, our social life. without me or their roommate, who is a dear friend, i feel like my partner wouldn't see anybody ever. the roommate and i were the ones organizing all of the social happenings of our apartment, and i would initiate all plans for myself and my partner with our friends. similar things would happen in college - suffering through jobs/classes/courses of study that they didn't enjoy when suffering wasn't necessary. basically what I am trying to say is: they sometimes feel like a person who is stuck and who does not care enough about themself to take care in earnest, to fight/struggle/be uncomfortable in pursuit of greater happiness. this pattern makes me profoundly sad and it's something we've talked about but i don't think we see it in exactly the same light. my partner says that i am a "hustler" (ew) and they're not and i don't think they see much else to it. so it's the distance but also this and other things that feel like the world of our relationship is wearing away. i've never had a relationship this long before and it saddens me greatly to think that our mostly happy five years are just going to fade out into the dying light with no fanfare; it feels like neither of us are making an effort to fix the steadily growing distance. we have said we'll talk, and we will, but i guess i'm writing to you because I don't know what I want and I don't know what will happen when we do. do we just break up? my partner is not the most emotionally perceptive; I suggested we have a real conversation about the state/status of our relationship to check in and they agreed, but will they be blindsided if i say it feels like we're breaking up / if I break up with them? do I want to? i don't know what to do here. I feel like I've called all the shots in our relationship and I am scared to end something just because it's hard but also the things that make this hard are not things I see disappearing or getting resolved any time soon.

m, 24

I’m so sorry to tell you this, but your partner already broke up with you. Like just to recap: you moved across the country by yourself. Your partner said they would join you and then they just…never looked for a job or followed through in any capacity. This is not the behavior of someone who values their relationship and wants to stay in it!! The fact that you’re not angry or surprised tells me that A) you’re also emotionally checked out of this relationship and B) you have low, low expectations for someone you refer to as a partner. And while you might be right that they have some underlying issues that prevent them from getting shit done, most things in life are about showing up and trying. If they wanted to, they would!!

I’ve written so much over the years about the challenges and pitfalls of first queer relationships, but I also want you to look back on who you were when you got into this relationship. You were 19!! A fetus in the womb!! Think about everything you’ve learned and experienced in the past five years, including your first serious relationship. You’ve changed and grown so much. When I was 19, I didn’t even know how to get myself off. I didn’t understand how money worked because I lived in a dorm and before that, I was a child living with my parents. By the time I was 24, I was jacking off on a regular basis and supporting myself financially. The years between 19 and 24 are a LIFETIME and even though queer people are famously able to experience a second adolescence at like, any age, it still holds that most people in their late teens/early to mid 20s are gelatinous and semi-formed in a way that starts to solidify in their late 20s (there’s a reason the concept of a Saturn Return resonates so strongly in the culture). It’s really rare to find a friendship--let alone a romantic relationship--that can withstand this time in life. This is why if you had close friends in high school, you probably aren’t friends with them anymore—or maybe you’re still friends, but I would bet money that your relationship is a lot different now than it was when you were all 16. This is also why I would ruthlessly judge any 30-year-old in a relationship with a 20-year-old, but a 30-year-old dating a 40-year-old or a 50-year-old dating a 70-year-old is both hot and aspirational to me.

It’s clear from this question that despite the growing distance between you, you still feel responsible for your partner and their well-being. I know how frustrating it is to watch someone you love self-isolate or otherwise sabotage their own happiness, but you cannot change your partner or make them want something that they don’t see for themselves. You can go to them and say, “Hey Partner, I’m worried about you for X and X reasons. Here’s the support I can provide without turning into a resentful, empty husk of myself and ruining our relationship…“ But that’s it. That’s really all you can ever do for another person who is not your literal baby child.

And not to state the obvious, but you and your partner are really different people at this point in your lives!! It sounds like your partner works to pay the bills, while you see your career as a source of meaning and even identity. You like to make moves and be in the driver’s seat of life, while your partner is more passive. You’ve been waiting for your partner to take on more responsibilities for YEARS and while they notice the differences between the two of you, they don’t consider how it might be affecting you. It makes sense that this disconnect is widening and evolving into a full-on rift as you move away from your college years and into more independent lives, and from living together to a long-distance relationship. It takes way more effort to maintain a connection across distance, especially when you’re both working full-time and running a household. You have to both be here for it, or else the cracks will start to show.

So, I really want you to think about why your partner’s “hustler“ comment had such an impact on you. I’m guessing you felt taken for granted—like you’ve expended all this effort and time on behalf of your relationship and your partner doesn’t appreciate it because you’re just like that, that’s just what you do. Also, it seems that you’ve been itching for a shift in responsibility for the social and physical infrastructure of your relationship, but your partner’s comment indicates that they’re fine with the way things are.

I’m wondering how it will feel for you to date someone who matches your energy a little bit more—maybe they’ll have their own friends that they want to spend time with on their own or have really strong feelings about groceries. It might feel like a huge relief, but you might also feel a loss of control. As you make your way out of this first Big Relationship, I suggest avoiding the urge to jump right into something new (listen, we’ve all done it), and instead take the time to figure out what you’re really looking for in a committed partnership, and how you might support and care for a partner without feeling responsible for them.

After being sold-out for a hot minute, an entire orc army of Choose Your Own Dykeventure zines are being printed this week. Order one today :) There is nothing I want more than to send you some lesbian zines in the mail :)