queer advice #96: rapid fire edition

dysregulated holiday sex, former student, jock4jock

Hello! Welcome back to queer advice, a reoccurring space on TV Dinner where I answer questions from real gays with real problems. Usually I answer one hefty question, but today I’m answering three shorter questions with interrelated themes: dysregulated holiday sex, sexually charged friendships, and a non-monogamous jock4jock situation. Thank you so much to today’s LWs and everyone who sends me questions on here. It’s the honor of a lifetime to be a receptacle for your stuff. If you have feelings about this edition of queer advice or have been in a similar situation yourself, the comments section is open to everyone. I will retract if people are being jerks, of course.

Anyways, thank you so much for reading and supporting TV Dinner. It’s a dream come true for me that you’re here. If you have a question for queer advice, you can find the submission guidelines and instructions here.

xoxo, Maddy

credit: @maslowbot on X

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Hi Maddy, I fucked up not once, but twice. My best friend is out of town for the holidays. Let’s call her M. While she’s been away, I decided to get to know her situationship person (let’s call her W). W and M have been dating for about 6 weeks. In that time M has tried to break up with W once. I’ve been a source of consultation for M during this tumultuous process. They’ve stayed together because W convinced M that they needed more time to get to know each other. important note: they have an open relationship with no rules around disclosure of other partners.

I wanted to get to know W so I could see for myself what the dynamics are like with them. And in that time, W and I ended up fucking. Not once, but twice. Both times we knew we shouldn’t do it, but that only added fuel to the horny fire. I had just watched the Family Stone and felt this apathy towards M because “she doesn’t even like W anyway” (that was the rationale I used to fuck this up). Not to make excuses, but just to add context, W and I were both lonely and dysregulated around the holiday. I feel badly about it of course. Mostly because I feel like I have to lie about it. I really don’t want M to find out. I don’t have romantic feelings for W, just sexual feelings, and I would rather just pretend these lapses in judgment didn’t happen. W agrees. But…I don’t think it’s ethical to lie to M. If she asked me about it directly, I would have to tell her the truth. I guess my question is—are there ever times where it’s more advisable to lie about something to avoid hurt feelings? W is pretty committed to this lie too—she knows that M would be hurt by the truth—but I also feel like M would be even more hurt by the next lies. What do I do?!

a lying lonely lesbian, 28

Wow, I was not expecting The Family Stone--a movie I watch every Christmas even though it’s bananas (a major plot point is that SJP and Dermot Mulroney break up and SJP starts dating DM’s brother and DM starts dating SJP’s sister)--to come up in this question. I guess it’s a movie about how everyone unravels a little bit over the holidays—so like, I get it. Anyways if you go back and read your own question, it’s clear that you already know what you should do. Not only do you feel bad about lying to M, you know that it’s not necessarily what happened between you and W but the cover-up that’s hurtful. By trying to avoid a potential conflict or awkward conversation, you’re only guaranteeing actual hard feelings and lost trust down the line. And from a purely pragmatic perspective, I’m very skeptical that secrets can stay secrets in queer world. W only has to tell one other person for it to get back to M. tl;dr are there ever times when it’s okay to lie to protect someone’s feelings? Yes, of course. Is this one of those times? No.

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I’m butch ftm and 26 yrs old. I recently (a month and a half ago) got broken up with and out of a pretty serious long term monogamous relationship. I’ve been doing really ok and processing it all and have rekindled a friendship with a queer woman in her 40s over the past couple months. We have spent really lovely time together fixing raised garden beds, talking, and picking up facebook marketplace furniture. I want to make a move but 1. I’ve never been good at explaining myself coherently (working on this!) and 2. She was my professor in undergrad. We’ve talked about our past relationships and in so many ways we’re on the same page- low key and wary of polyamory (in our small community) but not against it. I’m looking for advice and how to move this forward without making it too weird!

mo, 26

She was your PROFESSOR!?! I truly believe that if you like someone and they like you back and you’re both emotionally available, all you have to do is talk to them and the relationship will unfold the way its meant to. You don’t have to “make a move” as much as like, show up for them and pay attention. This situation, however, is more complicated because you just got out of a significant relationship and are probably talking to your friend about your ex, which is a big mixed signal. You also need to discuss the fact that you’re her former student, so it might make more sense to be like, “hey can we talk?“ and just tell her what you’re telling me. There’s no easy way to do this, so don’t worry about using the exact right words. You just have to say how you’re feeling, even if it comes out messy.

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I'm in a long term, committed relationship with the kindest, most considerate person. She's smart and funny and hot too. Lately though my best friend is really doing it for me. They're hot and we've got a little "will they won't they" going on and it's sporty, jock-for-jock, t4t. My partner isn't upset about that either (I wouldn't ever act on something without having fully discussed it with her. As I said, our relationship is committed). What she is upset about is that I don't really want to include her in my jock-for-jock thing with my friend. Because she also thinks they're hot. It doesn't help that my friend is super flirtatious with everyone, including my partner, but the most with me. How do I get over feeling like I'm competing with my hot partner (whom I love) for my hot best friend (that I also love)?

Tad, a lesbian that refuses to call themselves non-monogamous even though that seems to be what's going on, 27

If you want to open your relationship for the first time, you have to hit pause on these nebulous sexy vibes and have a boring, brass tacks conversation with your partner and your best friend about what specifically is happening here. In other words, you have to actually tell your partner and your best friend that you want a hot, sweaty affair with your best friend and your best friend only. The confusion you’re currently feeling is that you want to move forward with your best friend, but you don’t actually have enough information for this to go anywhere. Namely, what does your best friend want?? Are they into you and/or your partner, or are they just a flirty person? How do they feel about not including your partner? How does your partner feel about this as a reality, not just a fun fantasy? All the outcomes you’re currently imagining are purely in the realm of speculation, which is not helpful to anyone.