The Fate of the Ultimatum

"Maybe we'll meet again in another life, when we're both birds."

I’m back with a recap of the season finale and reunion episode of The Ultimatum: Queer Love. This has been a journey. WOW.

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SPOILER ALERT!

SPOILERS ABOUND!

IF YOU HAVEN’T ALREADY, CHECK OUT THE OFFICIAL TV DINNER ULTIMATUM: QUEER LOVE DISCUSSION THREAD.

she’s speaking to all of us

Episode 9: It’s Ultimatum Day, which means each of the undecided partners must either propose to their original girlfriend or break up.

Yoly and Mal

We saw a teaser of this proposal in the last episode, but I still rolled my eyes when Mal says, “Will you do life with me?“ Yoly says yes. Then she asks Mal why it took an ultimatum for her to propose. She questions if Mal loves her, or is merely jealous of her relationship with Xander. There’s no shortage of chaotic lesbians in the world, but it’s another level to be like, “Yes, I will marry you” and then start fighting.

I felt insane watching this conversation. Yoly is expressing some pretty serious doubts. She’s literally in love with someone else! Mal replies that she respects Xander and the connection she shares with Yoly, but she’s willing to work through their issues. Okay, but HOW? What is the plan? Are they going to open up their relationship? Will Xander become ~*the other masc*~? Or will Yoly visit some kind of treatment center that erases specific people from your memory re: the 2004 science fiction romance film, Eternal Sunshine of the Spotless Mind? At the end of this scene, they both looks so worried and overwrought. No one should look this upset after getting engaged!! Also can you imagine being in a situation where your partner is either going to propose or break up with you, and you don’t know which?

In my first Ultimatum recap, I predicted that Yoly and Mal would break up. Not only are they on different timelines when it comes to starting a family, they seemed wiser and more mature than the other cast members. What actually happens seems like an example of the only two options in the context of the show being “get engaged” and “break up.” They don’t want to break up, but they’re definitely not ready to get married. This felt way less like a bona fide proposal than a “let’s keep working on this, it’s not over” conversation.

Mildred and Tiff

I initially predicted that these two would stay together, but recent episodes made me hope that Tiff would see the light. On the way to the proposal site, Tiff says they need a partner who “leans into love.“ I interpreted this to mean they are not moving forward with Mildred, who only leans into anger and threatening to leave. Mildred says that if Tiff doesn’t pop the question today, their relationship is over.

Tiff looks so forlorn in this scene, I really thought they were giving Mildred the slip. They talk for such a long time that it feels like stalling. Mildred goes on the defensive and demands “unconditional love” from Tiff. Saying you deserve “unconditional love” (what does that EVEN mean?) when your partner starts to call out your bad behavior and pull away is so toxic. It puts the blame on Tiff for not being loving enough. The camera zooms backwards and we notice that there’s a giant bulge in Tiff’s back pocket. Oh no. Is that a ring? Are they going to propose? Someone stop them.

Next, Tiff gives a whackadoodle speech. I can’t believe they memorized this whole thing? I have transcribed it here, for your pleasure: “Love is a very short word. It’s easy to spell and more difficult to define but it’s impossible to live a life without craving to breathe its air. And that’s what I love about you. Your simplicity, your complexity. Intertwined within the depths of your irresistibility. Like…a perfect blend of it all. Like a perfect blend, such as the coffee that you make me in the morning just the way I like. You keep our relationship passionate, adventurous, spontaneous and fun, just the way I want…It’s impossible not to crave everything that you are. And what you are to me, is love.“

Tiff proposes and Mildred says yes. This one really surprised me.

impossible not to crave

Aussie and Sam

Sam and Aussie meet in a garden. Sam says that on her walk up, she saw a yellow butterfly and a monarch butterfly and that these butterflies represent their respective grandmas. She also saw a lizard, which represents her uncle. I’m glad these animal sightings are affirming to her. My grandma was bisexual and I see her in the Marlby Red logo and also when I’m in an older car and there’s an ashtray built into the door. She loved cigarettes. She loved to smoke.

Sam is wearing a blue dress and metallic heels, while Aussie is wearing a nice button-down over a t-shirt that says “EQUALITY” in rainbow letters. God, I’m terrified these two will get engaged. Aussie takes some deep, yogic breaths and looks freaked out.

Aussie tells a story about a species of penguins who mate for life and present their mate with a perfect rock. Aussie loves the word “mate” lol. Instead of a ring, Aussie presents Sam with a “labradorite protection gemstone“ in the shape of a heart. You can tell Sam is pissed. Fortunately, Aussie pulls out a real ring and Sam says YES. Aussie asks if she would have been happy with just the heart-shaped rock and Sam is like, absolutely not. The radical honesty!! Say NO to queer rock tumbling!! Then Aussie explains that the diamond is also a rock and Aussie is a penguin? I honestly have no idea what anyone on this show is talking about, ever.

Xander and Vanessa

I thought Xander and Vanessa were going to break up from the get-go, so I wasn’t surprised that their segment both begins and ends in tears. On the way to the proposal site, Xanax is like, “My relationship with Yoly showed me what it’s like to date someone cool.“ Vanessa says, “I never saw myself getting married, but seeing Xander with someone else made me realize I don’t want to lose her.” She also thought that she would be the one making the decision, and is surprised that it’s actually up to Xander whether or not they get married. There are so many moments when Vanessa reveals that she sees relationships as a game where there’s a winner and a loser. It’s very heterosexual of her. She’s literally like, “I want to marry Xander because I’m jealous and afraid.”

They meet in a bamboo forest. Xander is like, “I can’t imagine my life without Vanessa.“ And it’s like, YOU HAVEN’T TRIED. You have done nothing to create space and distance, let alone spend one second sitting with your discomfort and breakup grief!! Nonetheless, Xander announces that if she were going to propose, she would want to feel confident and excited about her decision. HELL YEA, THAT’S WHAT I’M TALKING ABOUT!! UNCOUPLE, BITCHES!! Vanessa admits that she has a lot of growth to do. They thank each other for four years together. It’s very kind and nice, especially since the vibe I get from these two is that they don’t have much in the way of queer community or dating experience. As a result, they have a false sense of compatibility and don’t understand that they could simply date other women. They sob and hug each other. Vanessa says they might meet again in another life, when they’re both birds. Is that a Notebook reference??

like the dialogue on this show

Xander and Yoly Interlude

This next part is so confusing. Yoly and Xander find each other on a wooden deck. Xander reiterates her feelings and they talk about getting married. It really seems like Yoly is entertaining the possibility, even though she just got engaged to Mal??! Xander doesn’t propose, but she doesn’t not propose.

It takes SO LONG for Yoly to admit that she’s not actually available. She’s not even wearing her engagement ring. She says this is because she wanted Xander to find out in a more gentle way, as if we’re pretending a show called The Ultimatum isn’t engineered to be as dramatic as possible.

The camera does a Blair Witch thing and follows them into the woods, implying they ran to Mother Nature for privacy. They’re just standing there, embracing. Yoly says that she feels a sense of loyalty to Mal and that’s the only reason she didn’t choose Xander. Then they do a little play fighting. As they walk away, Xander stands up to the camera people and tells them to leave— “I think you got enough!!“

I try not to comment on appearances but this may be my last chance to say something about…..Xander’s eyebrows……

Lexi and Rae

I predicted that Rae and Lexi would break up, but I was wrong!

Rae gives a short speech about choosing Lexi and proposes with a ring from Lexi’s dad’s ring company. Rae calls Lexi Scoopie, which makes me hungry for Culver’s. Then Lexi proposes to Rae and they both say, “We’re moving to Philly, baby!“ It’s weird that we’re just learning about the Philly move now. It makes sense that Lexi would want commitment before moving across the country. Also, these are the least Philly people I’ve seen in my life. They’re going to live in a high rise in Center City and go on dates at Franklin Fountain, I can feel it.

And that’s it for Ultimatum Day, though I’m not holding my breath for any weddings.

Reunion Episode: I watch a lot of 90 Day Fiancé: Before the 90 Days and the reunion episode is always the most unhinged because the cast members realize it’s their last chance to achieve viral fame and act like a main character. At the beginning of this episode, all the cast members file on stage. I kept waiting to find out how much time has passed since Ultimatum Day, but it never says. All the cast members’ ages are listed as the same, but my research shows the reunion was filmed in January 2023 (the actual show wrapped November 2021).

Rae and Lexi

Lexi is wearing a dress made from yellow tassels. Finally, her big bazongas can be front and center. We learn that she and Rae are still engaged and planning their wedding. When JoAnna asks how they’re doing, Rae says they recently bought new furniture. Lexi says they had a great year with multiple vacations. I’m not in a place to call anyone boring because my hobbies are reading and going to the store, but I’m not exactly feeling the divine spark between these two.

Next, JoAnna broaches the topic of “Fingergate.“ Not only is this a horrifying word for what happened, it’s also notable to me as the first time JoAnna shows how unequipped she is to talk about a possibly painful experience (for Rae) with any degree of care or sensitivity. She’s walking a weird line here—she’s not funny or caustic as someone like Rosie O’Donnell but not as good at facilitating a more careful conversation as say, Jada Pinkett Smith or Kesha or Brandi Carlile or literally any queer woman.

Lexi tries to explain away her use of the word “penetration” in the show— queer sex is fluid and difficult to define, so she needed to understand exactly what happened. I still think there was a shaming aspect to it and honestly as an adult, if two people say they have sex, I don’t feel a need to question what actually happened. I also wonder how Lexi knew to address this specific criticism—I saw a lot of people online, myself included, saying that her treatment of Rae struck them as creepy (see also: Vanessa asking if Xander and Yoly had sex “with mouths“), but obviously Lexi wouldn’t know that before the show even aired?

Next, Vanessa apologizes and says, “I hope you can forget about me.“ Lexi tries so hard to be chill, but it’s obvious she wants to fight. She’s like, “We have forgotten about you SO HARD.“ Vanessa come off way more mature than Lexi in this scene. She’s seems much more in control of herself and like she’s okay with being misunderstood.

so many memories

Vanessa and Xander

The first thing we learn is that Vanessa and Xander no longer speak. After the show ended, Vanessa tried to rekindle their relationship and it didn’t work out. It seems like Vanessa is using this reunion to become friends again with Xander, if not more? Xander seems receptive to friendship, but nothing more.

Xander says that she’s done a lot of work on herself and is a different person now. She’s embraced a philosophy of choosing herself and has decided to wait to have kids. Vanessa says she’s also grown a lot since the show and no longer feels the need to perform all the time.

According to a recent update from Netflix, Xander had only heard from Vanessa like one time two weeks before the reunion. After the reunion, Vanessa basically disappeared again — and that reaffirmed Xanax’s understanding of Vanessa as a fundamentally dishonest person. Fascinating because I think Vanessa comes across pretty well in this episode.

Mal and Yoly

Mal is salty in a way that we never saw on the series. She describers her relationship status as, “happily broken up.“ Yoly shares that 2 weeks post-Ultimatum, they were on vacation and Mal bought a one-way plane ticket and never came back. I’m not surprised because these two had the most depressing proposal ever (so many contingencies!), but I’m desperate to know what happened on their vacation. “One-way ticket“ is such an intriguing detail. It makes me wonder if Mal lied and said she was coming back after a few days when really she just left.

Also, Mal looks so good in this shirt. What would you call this color—it’s like a cornflower, but purple-ish?

Yoly was definitely acting up in the proposal episode, but I did not expect her and Mal to bring the dyke drama at reunion. Mal says that Yoly made her look like a fool on TV. Not only did Yoly sneak away to hold Xan’s hand during the mixer, she also lied and reassured Mal that she had nothing to worry about during the first trial marriage. Yoly responds by saying that she also came across like a fool, as well as “an ad for polyamory.” Not only is “Yoly” one-letter away from “poly,“ it really seems like that could be the relationship style for her!! I also want to point out that Mal chose to propose knowing that Yoly was in love with someone else.

Next, Mal suggests that Yoly and Xander should just be together. Vanessa interjects and says that actually, they have seen each other since the show ended. They went to Coachella and saw Megan Thee Stallion together, but their connection didn’t really translate outside the show.

Next, Yoly sobs and says that she’s coming to terms with the likelihood that she will never be anyone’s biological mother. My instinct is to disagree with Yoly, but she knows herself best and I must defer to her and her executive ponytail.

Tiff and Mildred

Tiff is channeling First Communion core and wearing a white satin vest with no shirt and matching pants. Mildred looks pissed. JoAnna asks after Tiff’s dog and they share that Shylo had emergency surgery on Christmas. Mildred interjects and basically alludes to the fact that Tiff used Shylo’s health as an excuse to contact her without permission, and also lied about when the surgery happened?? If it wasn’t obvious already, Tiff and Mildred are over over. We never learn exactly what happened with Shylo because Mildred launches into a pretty disturbing attack and just starts throwing out details.

I tried to write this next part in a way that doesn’t sound like I’m sensationalizing or poking fun at domestic violence.

According to Mildred, Tiff proposed and moved in with Mildred and her son, but then refused to plan the wedding, get a job, combine bank accounts, or any of the steps to actually make a marriage happen. She claims that they also scammed her somehow, but the only example she provides is that Tiff asked to split the rent three ways, since Mildred’s son was living with them. Tiff says that they struggled to connect with Mildred’s son, but never borrowed money. Also, Mildred threw a pet gate and a picture frame at Tiff. Excuse me, a PET GATE?? Tiff called the police and Mildred was arrested. Mildred also accuses Tiff of bringing women back to the apartment after she had moved out, but was still paying rent. She says that Tiff changed the passcode on their phone, which is a yiiikes thing to complain about your partner doing. She also says that she found eyeliner and “sex board games” in the apartment. The words “sex board games“ are said many, many times.

Tiff runs out of the studio. Aussie says that Tiff’s use of the word “gaslighting“ rings true with Aussie’s experience of Mildred. Sam gets up and goes to check on Tiff because she’s an angel. Tiff is having a crisis in the parking lot. They offer to prove that they paid rent and show that Mildred is lying, but Sam consoles them and says that the relationship is over and they no longer have to prove anything. Tiff gets into the production van, which pulls away, and JoAnna just moves along.

Not that I have high expectations from Netflix, but there’s nothing that warns viewers, contextualizes Mildred’s actions as abusive, or provides resources or any kind of follow-up. The whole scene is just really distressing and abrupt. After Tiff leaves, they just keep cutting to Mildred sitting there laughing? This was not a fun thing to watch on TV!!!

Aussie and Sam

Aussie and Sam are still engaged. They don’t share much about their relationship and lives. I wonder if they got edited out, or decided to keep their business under wraps? I have a theory that Sam lives in the U.S. and Aussie lives in Aussietralia, so coming on the show was a way for them to spend time together during the pandemic. Could also explain why their relationship feels less lived-in than the other couples.

We learn that Aussie still isn’t out to Aussie’s parents and that Aussie’s gotten better at communicating, at least by Aussie’s own account. Meanwhile, the camera is doing this shady thing where it zooms in on Sam fidgeting or making a face whenever Aussie talks.

Next, JoAnna wraps things up. Everyone, minus Tiff, laughs about the journey and agrees that ultimatums are bad!! The episode ends and a screen appears announcing that Lexi and Rae ended their relationship shortly after filming. I love how solemnly this news is delivered. It’s like when there’s a “in loving memory of….“ the end of the movie. I also came across a TikTok saying the official Netflix audio captions contain an additional line that Lexi suspected Rae of cheating, to which I say lol and nothing new under the sun.

not the wedding

Miscellaneous thoughts and further inquiries:

• Here’s a recent update from Netflix about where the cast members are now. Only Sam and Aussie are still together.

• A few days ago, Aussie posted this thing about narcissistic abuse that now seems like a veiled dig at Mildred. Also Aussie’s Instagram is wild and FULL of Marianne Williamson videos? Okay!!

• A little bird told me that while the cast members weren’t paid to be on this show, but production did cover the cost of their engagement rings.

• For complete and extremely smart insights on intimate partner violence in queer relationships as it pertains to The Ultimatum and Tiff and Mildred, check out this essay by

  Carmen Maria Machado

• These episodes came out on Wednesday. These recaps take me a long time to write, so I started a discussion thread for subscribers. It’s really been going off!! Everyone is so smart and funny and good at social media research. I really recommend checking it out and letting me know if you would propose in the gazebo, the windswept cliffs of San Diego, the bamboo forest, the butterfly garden, or the greenhouse?