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Kate Nelson's avatar

When I first got on the lesbian dating scene, I felt like all of the folks I was attracted to were attracted to two things: brunettes or gym dykes. I am neither. Everyone I dated broke up with me for some raven-haired angel with killer lats and Gymshark leggings. I told myself that I’d be alone forever because I’m just not what “most lesbians” are looking for. It hurts to find out that your presentation (which is soooo deeply personal and meaningful) isn’t someone’s cup of tea - and it sucks so much when it seemingly happens over and over with multiple people. Definitely agree with the advice to step away from dating if it’s hurting your self-esteem! Confidence is sooo attractive - once I got out of my head about what people thought of my looks, I found someone who had been looking everywhere for me.

As a side note, every masc I’ve dated has desperately wanted to be topped, so there is definitely one out there who has carpal tunnel from a million pillow princess encounters and is dying to find you, letter writer.

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Miles's avatar

As a masc4masc stone bottom, I want to affirm to the letter writer that your people are definitely out there! I too identify as both butch and transmasc. Also, as someone with a pretty niche dating pool, something I take comfort from is that new people are figuring themselves out all the time. Queer people often hit certain life and relationship "milestones" a bit later in life than straight people, it makes sense that queer people with particularly specific intersections of gender and sexuality (including things like stoneness) would hit those milestones even later. It takes time to figure things out, like it did for you! Sure many people might be monogamously coupled up at 32. But many of those people will also later uncouple, and I think that masc4masc folks on the stone spectrum are particularly likely to do so, given how long it can take to figure that stuff out. In a sense, our dating pools are only getting bigger as we get older.

I also want to echo the point that Maddy and other commenters have made about connection being rare in general. I personally have rejected and/or let things fizzle with people for many varied reasons that were completely unrelated to how attracted to them I was. When I feel tempted to ascribe all rejection of me to something about myself that I already feel insecure about, I try to remember that.

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