queer advice #105: therapy with an ex

"Is it a crazy idea to go to attachment counseling with an ex?"

Welcome to queer advice, an advice column where I answer questions from anonymous gays on the internet. Today’s question is from someone wondering whether or not to go to couples therapy with their ex. For more columns about exes and inner turmoil, see:

• my ex and I spent a fucked up amazing weekend together, crying, processing, having lots and lots of gay sex and then I found out they were dating someone they met at my going away party X

• my partner talks to their ex every day

Send me a question here.

xoxo, Maddy

meme by @catswithhardhats on IG

I am currently in the middle of a very sapphic breakup. We were together for 3 years. The initial break happened suddenly and traumatically about six months ago and we took a lot of space. We just recently came back together to actually process the break and the relationship. I wasn’t sure how this would go but we have really dedicated to hearing each other, being kind and trying to process together.

I suppose for full transparency I should admit that we have also hooked up a couple times, in a way that feels like closure and healing though. I would say the main reason for our breakup was the inability to come together to work on a pretty classic anxious avoidant attachment pattern. At the time it wasn’t clear my ex saw that this is as what was happening, but through our processing we have been able to agree that was what was happening and we weren’t able to escape it. I said that all I wanted was to be able to stand side by side and look at it and come together to work on it.

Ultimately my ex has clearly told me that she is not able to be in a romantic relationship and though we love each other very much, she’s not in a place with her life or mental health to put in that kind of work for a relationship with the goal of building a life together. Heartbreaking. I wish she had known this sooner.

While we did not get to the point of couples therapy when we were together, she has floated the idea of going now for a couple sessions, to try and repair some of the damage caused by our anxious and avoidant cycle and to get perspective on it in hopes of understanding each other more and healing.

I guess my question is, is this a good idea if knowing there is no chance of relationship after? I am still very heartbroken and while I can accept the reasons she has given me for not being together and know I deserve someone who is willing to show up fully for a relationship, the grief and pain and wishing so hard things were different is still there. Is it a crazy idea to go to attachment counseling with an ex? On the one hand, I do think some perspective and healing could happen. It would be good for us to work through our stuff together, and I would like the space to unpack some of what happened with a guide and not just triggering the shit out of each other. On the other, is this putting myself through potentially unnecessary emotional distress knowing I am still in love with her, and that while healing may come it might also just be really fucking sad? I know you can’t really answer that part for me, but I guess I’m wondering if it’s super wild to go to therapy with an ex knowing you will not be together? Am I a total mess or just part of sapphic tradition? Any perspective or help would be appreciated.

lost in love, 30

There’s nothing I understand and relate to more than the lesbian urge to analyze and process maxx after a breakup. When you feel confused and out-of-control, it can be very grounding to inventory every text, argument, communication failure, and attachment injury that contributed to the relationship ending. In a way, this is one of the nobler lesbian instincts. You can’t learn or grow as a person if you never self-reflect or wonder how other people experience relationships with you. It’s really admirable that you and your ex took a lot of space and then came back together to talk and understand each other’s perspectives. At the same time, it’s not actually that complicated—your relationship ended because it wasn’t working out. You want a serious relationship and your ex can’t prioritize another person right now. That’s like, the definition of incompatibility. You can go to couples therapy. You can process until the cows come home and have healing, closure-giving sex, but it’s not going to change the fact that she can’t give you what you want and need.

You are the person in charge of your life and decisions. Right now, your challenge is to figure out what constitutes healthy communication between you and your ex and what constitutes kicking a dead horse/ picking at a scab before it can heal i.e. not letting yourself move forward because attention and time with her still feels good (I know you already know this, but it’s very Attachment Injury to pine for someone who’s unavailable and fantasize about them changing.) Like, what are you going to learn in couples therapy that you can’t work on in individual therapy? What is the presence of your ex adding to the experience? You already know her side of the story. You’ve shown that you care about her and want the best for her, and vice versa. As destabilizing and sad as it is when an important relationship ends, only you can find closure and a path forward for yourself.

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