It’s Friday! Time for another queer advice column. Last week, I answered a question from someone whose friend was sending their partner sad, horny texts. Before that, I talked to a person contemplating going on vacation with their bad ex. The one before was about lesbian identity and TERFs. If you missed it, read it here. If you missed the one before that and the one before the one before—”I have a crush on my hot butch roommate” and ”how much sacrifice is too much?”—read them here and here.
If you have a question or an LGBTQ issue, send it my way. I generally look for questions that describe a situation fully and ask a specific question. It’s difficult for me to answer questions when I don’t understand what’s going on, or if what’s being asked is purely existential in nature. I appreciate you writing in, but you gotta give me something to work with!!
xoxo, Maddy
Late-blooming queer woman here, going through a hard breakup in my first longish gay relationship. It’s been about 2 months and I’m preparing myself to find out what friendship with my ex could be like. Our relationship was very deep and sweet but also fraught with incompatibility, especially them being poly-leaning and me a more monogamous person and a parent who just doesn’t have the emotional bandwidth for a more complex arrangement, honestly. Losing my ex’s support and companionship has been hard, in ways it would be for any single parent (profound lack of support in general, no time to date, extra trust barriers, crying in front of your kid SUCKS, losing much needed help, isolation).
I’m not friends with any of my previous exes, have been through some serious relationship traumas and domestic violence, and this is the first significant romance I have had where I felt loved and well-treated. In that sense a success I guess, but a little extra heartbreaking to lose.
My question is how to make a friendship transition. I get that this is probably queer 101 but I’m a country girl with a lot on my plate and I’m afraid I just don’t have the skills to do it without ending up in extended heartbreak or being confused or disempowered by lingering feelings and confusion.
In your last column you said “ Sometimes queer people think they’re communicating directly, when really they’re being opaque as hell and providing nothing but subtext.” And my experience with this ex is VERY that, maybe i’m guilty of it too but not nearly as bad. Please advise!
B, 40
Ex-on-ex friendship is a big, sprawling topic in the queer community and I wanted to give you the most helpful answer possible, so I texted my advisory board of cool dykes and asked what they knew about becoming friends with exes. They responded with tales of queer women becoming friends after relationships of all durations and commitment levels. The one thing everyone emphasized was that friendship didn’t happen right away, it took an intentional period of time and distance. It’s been 2 months, B!! That’s not enough time to catch your breath and resolve your big, weird breakup feelings. If the idea of friendship with your ex feels overwhelming and scary right now, it’s a sign you need more time. Put a pin in it and see how you feel in 3 or 4 months. I really believe it takes half the time of the relationship to move on in a meaningful way—not because I want to be prescriptive about when it’s okay to date other people or contact your ex, but because I think it’s a more humane timeline that allows for non-linear healing. I have experienced so many breakups where I was doing everything right--seeing my friends, adopting dogs, cooking nourishing vegan slop--but then I had one bad day or someone was mean to be at CVS and I responded by staying up until 3AM deep-diving my ex’s Instagram and marinating in resentment. It takes time, time, and more TIME to get over a relationship, even in the best and most amicable of breakups.