queer advice #43: a situation!
"I feel like I'm losing a friend and also hurt them deeply while I also had some of the best sex I've ever had..."
Hey! I’m back with another queer advice column. Last week, I answered questions from a self-identified late bloomer, someone wondering what to do about a friend sending their partner sad, horny texts, and someone about to go on vacation with their bad ex. The one before was about lesbian identity and TERFs. If you missed it, read it here. Also be sure to read ”I have a crush on my hot butch roommate” and ”how much sacrifice is too much?” It’s good advice.
If you have a question or an LGBTQ issue, send it my way :)
xoxo, Maddy
Help!! I seem to have gotten myself into a situation. I recently started getting really close with this girl, let's call her G, and I was really excited about it because I really need more gay friends in my life. She made it clear that we were to be just friends because she was in a monogamous relationship with her girlfriend of three years, let's call her S, whom she intends on marrying eventually. This, again, was fine with me, because I want friends more than I was ever attracted to G.
Last weekend, they invited me to brunch, where I met S (the girlfriend) for the first time. G and I get along much better, but altogether we had a really nice time, and after brunch we spent the day walking around, window shopping and joking around. Later in the afternoon, we all went back to their apartment to swim and after a bit we took mushrooms and ordered a pizza. While on drugs, things got flirty, and at one point, I was eating chocolate covered pretzels off S's chest. Everyone was into it. A threesome was suggested. And then it turned into a twosome with just me and S having sex while G watched.
S also was talking to me the whole time and asking me a lot of very probing intimate questions that I don't normally get from a random hookup (my usual romantic entanglement) It became, uh, very intimate between the two of us. We both really enjoyed it and S was saying how she wanted to do it again, maybe keep seeing me like this going forward. Obviously, G was not okay with this. In the moment she wasn't saying anything or acting like it bothered her, and we kept asking her if it was okay, but in the morning it was very clear something was wrong, and after I left, S called me and let me know G was really, really upset. S still wants to see me, but G is not okay with it, and also feels like we both betrayed her. They have some other stuff going on in their relationship that makes me feel like regardless they should break up, but in any case I feel awful for the role I played in this. I feel like I'm losing a friend and also hurt them deeply while I also had some of the best sex I've ever had and the more I get to know S the more I want to keep seeing her. I feel like the ethical thing to do in this situation would be to stop talking to and seeing S entirely, but then I would feel like I'm losing them both as friends, plus whatever S and I have. I know that I probably am just excited by S because of the circumstances, and the drug fueled sex we had is probably coloring my judgment of what I actually feel for her, but I can't help that I can't stop thinking about her and wanting to be with her again. Anyway, tell me what to do!
L, 26