queer advice #88: single mom

"...she isn’t open to defining, pursuing, labeling, or formalizing what we have, no matter how many times we talk it through."

Hi everyone :) I’m back with a short queer advice column for your Sunday morning. Today’s question is from someone in a relationship with a woman who refuses to put a label on things. If you read this column with any regularity, you already know what I’m about to say lol *red flag emoji* There’s been so much cool stuff on TV Dinner this month, including an interview with Myriam Lacroix about femme identity, what it was like to be a gay teen before the dawn of mainstream celesbian culture, and her book of speculative lez fiction, How It Works Out. I’m also really grateful for everyone who came through with support and resources re: intimate partner violence.

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Send me a queer advice question anytime. xoxo, Maddy

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I've been seeing this amazing woman for over a year now, driving 2+ hours each way to see her. She's a single mom, and I'm really invested—not just in her, but in her kid, too. The woman and I are having an incredible time together, both emotionally and hot sex wise. But she isn’t open to defining, pursuing, labeling, or formalizing what we have, no matter how many times we talk it through. I'm a serious stand-in co-parent at this point, which she admitted recently. She obviously needs the help. Can I keep going because it feels good and I care about both of them, or am I setting myself up for excruciating emotional fallout?

LABEL ME, 35

Alas, the woman you’re seeing IS defining your relationship. She’s telling you that she wants you to be a partner and co-parent without the commitment and reciprocity that would come with formalizing your role. She wants this relationship to be on her terms and her terms only, which puts you (and the child!) in a vulnerable and emotionally fraught place. If you can accept that ~*if she wanted to, she would,*~ I think it’s okay to proceed here. If, however, you find yourself filtering her words and actions through your own wishful thinking or waiting around for her to change her mind, then you’re not in a relationship with a real person, you’re in a relationship with a fantasy.

Becoming a parent is a big, life-changing decision and from everything you’ve shared, the woman you’re seeing doesn’t respect your feelings or the emotional stakes of the situation. If the underlying issue is that she’s not out and struggling with internalized (and let’s be real, externalized) homophobia, that’s something she needs to work through before she can safely be in a queer relationship with another queer person.