queer advice #99: secret hurt

"Do you think I am actually polyamorous or just a big fraud?"

Today’s queer advice is from someone contemplating a third attempt at a third, and wondering about the viability of consenting to their partner dating a mutual ex on their own. This column is free for everyone. If you enjoy this newsletter and find yourself opening it every time it hits your inbox, consider becoming a paid subscriber. This winter has been rough in terms of my subscriber count and while fluctuation is part of hell the creator economy, the only way I’ve found to get new subscribers is to paywall posts and that gets old fast. If you’re reading this and you’re already a paid subscriber, THANK YOU! You are the sole reason this newsletter exists. My attitude is gratitude.

If you’re new here, welcome! There have been many banger questions over the years, including “my girlfriend is a hater but I still love her and want to spend the rest of my life with her“ and “a text from hell.“ If you yourself are gay and tortured, tell me all about it here.

xoxo, Maddy

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Hi Maddy,

Long time reader, first time writer! I have been dating my partner for 4 almost 5 years and at the beginning of the relationship something that we bonded over is that we both identified as polyamorous (although I had never practiced and their first poly relationship ended badly with their two exes dumping them and marrying each other). For the first year and a half we were monogamous although we flirted and sexted with some mutual friends.

Then about a year and a half in we moved for my graduate program and met someone called C, who we eventually started dating. The first few months I would say are good but then things started getting weird. I was busy with my grad program and didn't talk to C as much as she wanted. She has BPD and started gravitating towards my partner and demonizing me. Over the next few months she developed this whole persona for me and treated me like shit to my great confusion including asking my partner if she could break up with me and only date them (I only heard this from my partner). We broke up and didn't talk for 4 months. She then reached out and sincerely apologized for how she was acted and treated me and we became friends again and eventually started dating (again). However we would continue this cycle of what I would consider a pretty unhealthy relationship (her treating me unequally, being passive aggressive, me pulling further away, getting back together, rinse and repeat) until last year where I asked to end it for myself (although I told my partner that they could continue to date her if they wanted but at that moment they said no). Since then we have remained in contact and I would say both of us have really tried to repair the rupture and hurt caused although it is very slow progress.

However here are the problems. She is my partner's best friend. They talk every day and my partner has told me that they still love her and want to be with both of us in the future and that it is extremely hard for them to not be with her. In my best moments, I believe that this is possible even if at the moment I have no interest in dating C (aka my partner would date C and me just separately and not together as in previous times where we all dated each other). In my worst moments I feel like I can never forgive her and don't want her anywhere near me or my life (including my partner) ever again. I am in therapy and have a great therapist who is helping me work through this but I am scared about how much my feelings towards this oscillate? I am scared of hurting/losing my partner if I can't forgive her (C) and find a way forward and I am scared that I will hurt myself if I agree to something and then I find out I am not okay with it. This whole experience has made me scared I am not actually polyamorous and that I am tricking my partner when in actuality what I really want is to be the most important person in their life with no equal. In your infinite newsletter wisdom, how do I forgive and let go of resentment and hurt (C has apologized many times and I do really believe is trying her hardest but I have a hard time forgiving)? How do I let go of the secret hurt that my partner still wants to be with C even after they've seen how much she's hurt me? Do you think I am actually polyamorous or just a big fraud?

A Way Forward?, 27

You write that your feelings about this situation “oscillate“ and I’m like, huhh?? From everything you’ve shared, the oscillation is between not wanting C in your life to uneasiness (albeit generous and compassionate uneasiness!) about the idea of her dating your partner. That is not a big range, friend!! I guess my questions for you are, why can’t you trust your own feelings and internal compass in this situation? Do you often struggle with knowing how you feel and making decisions, or is it unique to this moment? Is your partner, C, or someone else telling you that you’re being unreasonable, mean, or not poly enough? Maybe you’re telling yourself those things?? As a foundation for this response, I want to say: being polyamorous doesn’t mean you’ll date anyone or are okay with every possible situation that could arise in your love life. Feeling compassion toward C and her mental health struggles doesn’t mean forgoing all boundaries and expectations for how a partner should treat you. You can forgive someone and genuinely wish them the best and still not want a relationship with them.

You read this newsletter, so you know that I’m always saying that relationships end for a reason. Nobody breaks up with, gets broken up with, or mutually decides to end things with a partner because the relationship is working. It really is that black and white. If you do decide to get back together with an ex after breaking up, there needs to be genuine change or else you’ll just end up where you started. You and C have dated and broken up twice now. And while I get that she’s apologized, famously the only real apology is changed behavior. If someone apologizes to you and continues to show up with the same old shenanigans, it’s understandable to feel lied to and manipulated. And from what you’ve written, it does sound like C has a pattern of being on her best behavior after you and your partner put up a boundary and withdraw from her, and then falling back into her old ways once the relationship is back on. In other words, you are right to doubt the viability of round 3!!

Dating as a couple is hard: exhibit A, exhibit B. You and your partner are different people with different boundaries, needs, and capacities. Your relationship with each other is going to unfold differently than your individual relationships with C. It’s totally valid to feel hurt that your partner wants to be with someone who treated you poorly and tried to end your preexisting relationship. You write that this is a “secret hurt“ and I guess I’m not sure why you can’t talk about this with your partner? Especially since your poly styling of choice sounds very kitchen table, very out-in-the-open and you might find that your partner dating someone you don’t trust--and who has acted in some unethical ways toward you specifically--is not compatible with the kind of polycule or community you’re trying to create.

Unsurprisingly, I do not think you should date C or anyone who makes you feel this anxious and stressed out. You should be excited about the prospect of dating someone. Relationships should make your life actively better. If your partner does decide to date C on their own or even just continue the friendship, all three of you need to have a big discussion where you account for everything that went wrong the last two times and agree upon what’s going to change this time around. For instance, how much do you want to know about their relationship? What kind of mental health support does C need? Can C come over to the house? Grab some Capri Suns because you’re going to be talking over every feeling and minute, logistical detail. Right now it sounds like you’re assuming the responsibility of going to therapy and working through your own feelings, but C and your partner also need to pull their weight if you’re all going to move forward together.